I haven’t really been doing much blogging, and there HAS been a reason. Let me start off by saying that this is a very sensitive subject, so please be patient with me! This is really difficult. So, as a young 10 year old, I pictured myself now (at the age of 16) as a social butterfly, partying with people I love, having a job and of course striving to achieve the qualifications I need to get far in life. As much as I HATE to say it, I was wrong.
In complete honesty, I usually spend my days on my bed with a blanket, eating masses of comfort food and my overthinking head screwed onto my body. I never go out, never talk to anybody, I never even leave my room half of the time. Yes, you’ll probably think “well, I spend a lot of my time in my bedroom watching Netflix, it’s normal!”. I’ve had that a lot. It can be normal, don’t get me wrong, but when it has got to the point of having to log out of snapchat because you physically can’t bring yourself to step outside into the world and envy the people that can…there’s something wrong. Looking through those stories makes me want to cry, I sit there thinking “but I want to do that”. I actually feel GUILTY about not being able to do what everybody else can do, which I really shouldn’t. Sitting in my bed, waiting for the day to end has become my reality. The thought of going out and facing the world makes my heart drop into my stomach. That’s what severe anxiety does to you. I’m missing out on SO much…and that makes a girl that has a huge, beaming personality feel utterly depressed- it eats you away like there’s no tomorrow. It’s sometimes heartbreaking when people have these specific assumptions- “she’s lazy, that’s why she has no real friends” or “she just can’t be bothered, there’s no point in being involved with such a boring person”. That’s hard. I’m so far from these labels it’s unbelievable! There’s nothing I want more than to be able to work, go to parties…live a little.
My ultimate wish is to come out of this depressive state of mind, banish my anxiety, not live with constant paranoia. I can’t say that’s easy though. Just walking down the road to the shop is a big deal for me, believe it or not! I think having persistent bad years at school haven’t helped either, I’ve never got on with school (which leads to continual bad attendance). Having a panic attack everytime I got off the bus just made me want to curl up and never face it again. As well, one huge factor that triggered years worth of unhappiness was losing my bestfriend over something we shouldn’t of broken apart over. Things like that are massive triggers…being left with very few people. But that’s life!
Moving on from this, I’m TRYING. It’s difficult to try and forget something you’ve suffered with since age 4 but I’m trying my aboloutely hardest to overcome my anxiety, and come out of the depressive hole I’ve dug myself into. It will take me time…but I’m going to do it. This blog was made as a place to come when I needed distraction, something to achieve. At the moment, I can’t even bring myself to write but here I am.
Many people suffer with some form of mental illness and I just want to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It can get to the point where you feel so isolated, I know I do. However, you always have to think of the positives in life, please don’t give up on yourself! I do also believe mental illness isn’t talked about as openly as it should be, sometimes it’s even shamed which makes people going through it feel blameworthy about the person they are. Also, it stops them from talking about it- which is THE most important factor, it needs to be talked out. I can’t stress that enough. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, I’ve learnt that.
On a lighter note, I actually went to a festival at the weekend on my own which was a huge (maybe too big eek) step for me, but I did it and I couldn’t be prouder of myself. As well as this, going to college in September (on my own may I add, scary!) to do something I love is what’s getting me through. Little things like this will build you back up as the beautiful person you are, do not give up. If any of you are suffering with a mental health problem or just want someone to talk to, I’m always here! Speaking to somebody that understands is the best feeling, trust me 🙂 I’m writing this to tell people they’re not alone in any circumstances they’re facing, and that you can try your very best to overcome those obstacles, even when you think there’s no point. You will have those horrendously depressive days and you may even want to give up but believe me, you’re better than that.
“The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.” -Molière
I hope this explained everything, as hard as it was, and here’s to the future! I just wanted people to know why I haven’t been writing and I wanted to be open about my life for once.
Remember what I said, never give up on yourself.
Love, Cade x