today i’m wanting to write about my current state and situation, as i find it’s changed A LOT. obviously i have been a little bit quiet on here, but i’m going to start this back up with full force!
so from the beginning of 2018, i’ve felt quite demotivated. i have been feeling a bit lost, unsure and come to terms with the fact i have nothing to keep me happy in my life. it’s been neutral, not horrible nor exciting…i have been extremely bored. however, i did have my boyfriend, who was my only source (i thought) of happiness and my way of escaping my unfulfilled reality.
for nearly 4 years i’ve been counting on my boyfriend for that feeling of love and happiness; i thought he gave me my confidence and a reason to walk this earth. we did everything together, i chose him over my friends, i was glued to his side. he made me feel wanted, loved and worth something, when nobody else could/or convince me otherwise. around 3 weeks ago, we broke up. yeah it still hasn’t sunk in. i think a few things about this nightmare has hit me, which include the fact we have practically grew up together through the toughest years and became adults together, and also the fact i didn’t choose it to end. i’m not going to go into detail on here about what happened, but let’s just say the break up was extremely one sided and the loyalty had broken on his part. not being wanted by the one person you love so so intensely is torture. the feeling of somebody else being more important to him hurts so badly and it has broken my heart into tiny pieces. i’m not over it, and i won’t be for a long time.
however, this breakup has made me realise quite a lot of things. it’s made me realise only i can help myself, only i can make myself happy and only i can push my life forward. i’ve found myself changing day by day, and i’m learning endless amounts about myself. i feel like i’ve only ever knew myself as a young adult when with him, I’ve never got the chance to find out who i really am. there’s no point in lying there in sadness anymore and i’m going to try and start my life again. i’m now going to say YES to things, i’m going to stretch and push myself, i’m going to find what i love and do what the fuck i please. i’ve spent so many years confined in my comfort zone, now i’m taking my first steps out of it. you must feel uncomfortable in order to feel comfortable.
lots of things in my life right now are helping me to move on. i’m moving to the amazing city of manchester in around a months time and I AM ECSTATIC. moving away from here will help me flourish as a person again, and will enable me to find myself. meeting new people and seeing different places will give me the fresh start i need to build myself up again. i’m starting university here too (in salford) to train as a counsellor/psychotherapist, YAY. again, moving on from a course i grew to hate feels amazing and i am so excited to finally be doing something i am beyond interested in.
another thing that is amazing is that i’ve gone for a fabulous business opportunity, with help from a lovely girl who i’ve looked up to for years. this phenomenal woman owned her own fashion business that grew hugely, but then went onto this amazing beauty opportunity that she is now helping me achieve too. doing this will support me alongside university and give me something to throw myself into when i’m not studying. there’s going to be so much on my blog about this, stay tuned ? SO, what i’m trying to say is that keeping myself busy and feeling positive about these changes is helping me massively! having new opportunities is lifting me up and giving me those positive vibes i need at this time in my life. i’m realising that right now i am SO lucky.
apart from these bigger changes, i’ve made some smaller ones too. i’ve cut all my hair off, i’ve gone blonde, i’m getting a nose ring, i’ve lost weight, i’ve bought tons of new clothes and i’m getting a massive tattoo on my thigh that’s honestly the most beautiful thing EVER. making these little changes is giving me confidence and helping make the fresh start.
thank you so much for reading this little ramble, it’s not the best worded and put together but it’s real! there’s loads more to come about this new business venture i’m starting and of course, all things mental health (still can’t believe i’m following my dream and doing this at university ahh). i love you all and i’ll see you soon.