Hello everyone! I hope you’re having a lovely Monday.
Today’s post isn’t going to like the usual, in fact, today I’m going to be writing a lil bit about where I’m at in life right now. This post isn’t gonna have any filter- just typing as I think.
As you all probably know as readers on my blog, I have severe anxiety that can be extremely paralysing. It can unfortunately affect everything I do and everybody around me. For years I’ve struggled to cope with day to day activities that a lot of people wouldn’t even think twice about. That could be going to school, college, grabbing something from the shop or quickly getting a coffee. Answering a phone call isn’t even on the cards for me most of the time. I’m sure lots of you can relate?
THE GUILT AND OVERWHELM
So at the moment, I’ve had to have some time off work because it’s been quite hard lately. Nothing major has actually happened in my life, I just think everything has all of a sudden hit me and the wave of overwhelm has struck. It’s. The. Worst. Feeling. Ever. To a lot of you, you’d know exactly what I mean about it being paralysing. You feel trapped because you need to go to work to LIVE, but when you physically can’t, it’s just the horrendous. You need the money, you need to validation. Other feelings loom above and inside your head: like guilt (don’t get me started), panic and the thoughts that you’re not good enough… also the feeling that you’ve let people down in some way. For me, I’m notorious for thinking that I’ve let people down and the guilt consumes me. My time off to ‘relax’ and ‘get my thoughts straight’ has been quite stressful in the way that my thoughts are out of control.
On the upside to all of this, I’ve had time to work on things that are actually making me happy. Obviously I blog, but I have also started my own lil business venture too that is fortunately keeping me going. I also have been working on something REALLY REALLY REALLY exciting that I’m definitely going to be sharing in a few months time. So on the flip side to all of that negativity, those little things I’ve been working on have kept me going and have helped me stay out of bed wallowing in sadness. Luckily.
SOCIAL MEDIA LIES
I just wanted to write this because social media never portrays what’s really going on. My instagram is full of my ‘happy’ face, pictures of nice food and cocktails, pretty layouts and positive quotes. To a lot of people, my social media accounts look like I’m doing pretty well. I don’t want to say I’m not doing well (I’m deffo trying and doing my absolute best), but things have been difficult. Even if you come across the most perfect instagram account, there’s still stuff going off in the background; that’s why it’s important to be kind. Again, this isn’t a pity party over here! I’m writing to make sure other people don’t feel alone, because in situations like this, you most definitely do. Even if just one person out there is sat at home with paralysing anxiety, not able to go to work and feeling sh*t about themselves- this is here to tell them that they’re NOT on their own in that. They’re not failures. They’re not weak. They’re so strong and sometimes we just need that break. Everybody goes through rough patches in their lives and I’m absolutely LIVING for those brighter days that are coming. And they are.